This has not
been an easy story to write about which is why it’s taken me so long to sit and
reflect, feel and record. There are so
many layers of resistance within my emotional, mental and physical body which
have me deflecting the personal inquiry about this topic, that which feels so
elusive, and honestly, has pissed me off greatly!
of self-love is frustrating, even with the millions of self-help books trying
to tell me how to “do” self-love and missing the mark. Maybe this is because those who are writing
these books don’t quite understand it themselves and are missing the mark in
teaching this very elusive concept to others.
I will give
credit to Debbie Ford and her Shadow Work because when I did begin working with
her process and one of her coaches, I started to understand where I wasn’t
self-loving, and this gave me a starting point for what I needed to explore and
remember, forgive and heal.
teachings and wise leadership, I learned to patiently peel back the infinite
number of layers which stood between me feeling like self-love was a bullshit
concept that someone irresponsibly tossed around in the Self-Help world to
spiral me even deeper into my desperate longing to be kinder and more
supportive towards myself, and, the Truth.
for me is that without the proper guidance, direction, support, want, patience,
compassion, desire, and hunger to discover the parts of me that are loving and
have always been lovable, I simply WASN’T READY to know me in this way; as
worthy of love – just because I’m alive.
And so, yesterday
I was divinely aligned with a friend of 36 years, Lara; a wise-woman-mystic-sister,
and someone I have great respect for, who I asked if I could be accountable to
as I write (and share with her) my daily diary.
I promised her that I would be fully authentic, vulnerable and
transparent as I write about my very polarized journey towards self-love, that
which has been uninspiring and beautiful, frustrating and nurturing, reckless
and destructive, daring and courageous, challenging and Divinely guided, all so
that maybe and possibly, my story could support others as they navigate the
muddy waters of discovering their own inner-light of self-love.
Thank you to
my numerous students, friends, colleagues, acquaintances, online followers, and
mentors who have asked me to speak my Truth, to share my Journey, and to show
others that there are many roads which will bring us to our own Divine Source
I bow to you
and I will surely be tapping into you, my dearest Council, as I commit to 365
days of this very humbling writing practice.
And to those that may eventually read these passages, please know that
it won’t be pretty at times.
going to get to know me in a way that you may not want to, ways that shatter
your illusion of me and make me human.
And if this is the impact I have on you, then I’ve done my job
You see, I AM HUMAN. I
struggle with the same or similar issues as each of you, so don't imagine me as
someone untouched by struggle and pain. By sharing me with you,
disillusioning your perception, then maybe you can have permission to also be
human and live your life from a place of commonality with me and others who you
perceive to be leaders and guides on your spiritual path.
We all need to
discover the most recessed, uncomfortable, shameful, vulnerable, and
guilt-ridden aspects of ourselves if we are to truly access the beauty what
resides within ourselves.
When we can
heal and forgive the choices we’ve made and the things that have happened, we
are inviting our “lost parts” to come back and merge with us – the Adult part,
that part of us who can learn to kindly guide and support the integration of
our dark and light so that we are no longer living a dualistic life, that which
leaves us feeling incomplete, separated, confused, alone, and often walking
with addiction. More on this later.
With love and respect,