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Day 1: The Journey of Self-Love Begins

This has not been an easy story to write about which is why it’s taken me so long to sit and reflect, feel and record.  There are so many layers of resistance within my emotional, mental and physical body which have me deflecting the personal inquiry about this topic, that which feels so elusive, and honestly, has pissed me off greatly! 

The concept of self-love is frustrating, even with the millions of self-help books trying to tell me how to “do” self-love and missing the mark.  Maybe this is because those who are writing these books don’t quite understand it themselves and are missing the mark in teaching this very elusive concept to others.

I will give credit to Debbie Ford and her Shadow Work because when I did begin working with her process and one of her coaches, I started to understand where I wasn’t self-loving, and this gave me a starting point for what I needed to explore and remember, forgive and heal. 

Through her teachings and wise leadership, I learned to patiently peel back the infinite number of layers which stood between me feeling like self-love was a bullshit concept that someone irresponsibly tossed around in the Self-Help world to spiral me even deeper into my desperate longing to be kinder and more supportive towards myself, and, the Truth.

The Truth for me is that without the proper guidance, direction, support, want, patience, compassion, desire, and hunger to discover the parts of me that are loving and have always been lovable, I simply WASN’T READY to know me in this way; as worthy of love – just because I’m alive.

And so, yesterday I was divinely aligned with a friend of 36 years, Lara; a wise-woman-mystic-sister, and someone I have great respect for, who I asked if I could be accountable to as I write (and share with her) my daily diary.  I promised her that I would be fully authentic, vulnerable and transparent as I write about my very polarized journey towards self-love, that which has been uninspiring and beautiful, frustrating and nurturing, reckless and destructive, daring and courageous, challenging and Divinely guided, all so that maybe and possibly, my story could support others as they navigate the muddy waters of discovering their own inner-light of self-love.

Thank you to my numerous students, friends, colleagues, acquaintances, online followers, and mentors who have asked me to speak my Truth, to share my Journey, and to show others that there are many roads which will bring us to our own Divine Source within.

I bow to you and I will surely be tapping into you, my dearest Council, as I commit to 365 days of this very humbling writing practice.  And to those that may eventually read these passages, please know that it won’t be pretty at times. 

You’re going to get to know me in a way that you may not want to, ways that shatter your illusion of me and make me human.  And if this is the impact I have on you, then I’ve done my job well! 

You see, I AM HUMAN.  I struggle with the same or similar issues as each of you, so don't imagine me as someone untouched by struggle and pain.  By sharing me with you, disillusioning your perception, then maybe you can have permission to also be human and live your life from a place of commonality with me and others who you perceive to be leaders and guides on your spiritual path.

We all need to discover the most recessed, uncomfortable, shameful, vulnerable, and guilt-ridden aspects of ourselves if we are to truly access the beauty what resides within ourselves. 

When we can heal and forgive the choices we’ve made and the things that have happened, we are inviting our “lost parts” to come back and merge with us – the Adult part, that part of us who can learn to kindly guide and support the integration of our dark and light so that we are no longer living a dualistic life, that which leaves us feeling incomplete, separated, confused, alone, and often walking with addiction.  More on this later.

With love and respect,
Lana ox

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